👊 🔥😱🤡💥

Group Chat: "💅💖 Drama Llamas: Classified Edition 🕵️‍♀️🔥"

Maddie: 🚨🚨 CODE RED, GIRLIES, WE HAVE A FULL-BLOWN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT 😱🔥🔥

Jess: WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. 😳👀 ARE WE TALKING LIKE, JUST MESSY DRAMA OR LIKE… ACTUAL ESPIONAGE?? 🤨🎤

Maddie: BABE. BOTH. 🫠💀👊

Chloe: NOOOOOO. NO WAY. NOT AGAIN. 😵‍💫 WHO STARTED IT???

Maddie: You already KNOW who. The Supreme Clown of This Circus. 🤡

Jess: UGH I’M GONNA VOM. WHAT DID HE SAY THIS TIME?? 😤😤

Maddie: So like. He was talking about The Incident™ (you know which one 😬💥) and he legit just SAID, “ugh why do we even care about those people” IN FRONT OF WITNESSES. IN A ROOM WITH ACTUAL INTELLIGENCE OFFICIALS.

Chloe: 🚀💀💀💀🚀 NOOOO STOP IT. LIKE, GLOBAL CONSEQUENCES TYPE VIBES??

Maddie: BABE. THE ROOM WENT SILENT. LIKE MISSILES-ON-STANDBY SILENT. ☠️😶

Jess: 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨 THIS IS HOW WARS START, MADDIE. THIS IS HOW WARS START.

Chloe: GIRL I AM SPRINTING TO MY PANIC ROOM. 📡🛑⛔

Maddie: And THEN—GET THIS—when people started LOOKING AT HIM LIKE “WTF BRO,” HE WAS LIKE “oh haha don’t tell anyone I said that” LIKE SIR??? 😡😡😡

Jess: BRO WE HAVE SATELLITES. WE HAVE MICROPHONES. THIS IS NOT THE STONE AGE. 🛰️🎤👁️

Chloe: I CANNOT. HE JUST DROPPED A WHOLE DIPLOMATIC NUKE AND THEN WAS LIKE “teehee jk”???

Maddie: GIRL YES. AND LIKE… it’s already leaking. The group chat in Geneva is LOSING IT. Switzerland is SHOOK. 🇨🇭😵‍💫

Jess: YEAH WELL THEY’RE ABOUT TO HAVE COMPANY BC IF THIS BLOWS UP WE’RE ALL MOVING TO THE NEUTRAL ZONE.

Chloe: LITERALLY PACKING A GO BAG RN. 🧳💨

Maddie: Also do we think They (👀👀) are gonna try to cover this up or are we just letting this one detonate???

Jess: BABE. IT’S ALREADY IN THE AIR. 🛫💣 THERE IS NO UNSENDING THIS MESSAGE.

Chloe: ☠️☠️☠️💀💀💀 RIP US.

Two hours later:

Group Chat: "💅💖 Drama Llamas: DEFCON 1 Edition 🕵️‍♀️🔥"

Maddie: 🚨🚨🚨 EMERGENCY BROADCAST—THE WORLD IS ON FIRE AND I AM SCREAMING 😱🔥🔥🔥

Jess: WHAT. WHAT. WHAT. 😳👀 ARE WE TALKING LIKE, CELEBRITY SCANDAL OR GLOBAL INCIDENT???

Chloe: Babe, if Maddie is freaking out, it’s a COUP OR A MISSILE STRIKE. 😭💀

Maddie: BOTH. BOTH IS HAPPENING. 🚀💣🔥

Jess: TELL ME EVERYTHING IMMEDIATELY. ☕👀

Maddie: OKAY. SO. You-Know-Who (🤡) was in a meeting with some, like, VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE, and just casually goes, “ugh, why do we even care about Yemen?” LIKE. FULL VOLUME. NO SHAME.

Chloe: NOOOOOOOOO. NO WAY. 😵‍💫 BABE, THE HOUTHIS HAVE ENTERED THE CHAT. 🚢💣

Jess: 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨 SIR. THE HOUTHIS HAVE DRONES. THIS IS NOT A JOKE.

Maddie: GIRL HE DOES NOT CARE. HE JUST DROPPED THAT LINE LIKE IT WAS NOTHING. AND THEN—AND THEN—

Chloe: NO STOP I CAN’T BREATHE. WHAT. DID. HE. SAY. NEXT. 😬😬😬

Maddie: “Haha don’t tell anyone I said that.”

Jess: 💀💀💀💀💀💀

Chloe: SIR. THIS IS NOT A FINSTA. THIS IS INTERNATIONAL DIPLOMACY. 😭😭😭

Maddie: And THEN, before anyone could even process that mess, guess who sent a cryptic af “🤔” emoji in the WORLD LEADER GROUP CHAT???

Jess: NOOOOOOO NOT VLADIMIR.

Chloe: PUTIN IS LURKING. 😳👀💀

Maddie: GIRL. HE SENT THAT LITTLE “🤔” LIKE HE’S JUST WATCHING THE CHAOS UNFOLD.

Jess: HE’S PLOTTING. HE IS ALWAYS PLOTTING. 💀💀💀

Chloe: NOT THE HOUTHIS AND PUTIN BEING IN THE SAME CHAT AS US. GIRL I’M GETTING A NEW PHONE. THROWING THIS ONE INTO THE SEA. 🚢📱🌊

Maddie: TOO LATE BABE. EVERYTHING IS BUGGED. THE NSA PROBABLY HAS A SCREENSHOT ALREADY.

Jess: OK BUT BACK TO THE HOUTHIS—ARE THEY GONNA RESPOND OR…??

Maddie: BABE. THEY RESPONDED.

Chloe: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. 😵😵😵 WHAT DID THEY SAY???

Maddie: JUST ONE LINE. “Inshallah.” AND THEN A MISSILE WENT MISSING.

Jess: SIR. THIS IS HOW WARS START. 🚀💣💥

Chloe: I AM MOVING TO SWITZERLAND IMMEDIATELY. 🇨🇭🚀💨

Maddie: TOO LATE BABE. EVEN THE SWISS ARE NERVOUS.

Jess: DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO SURVIVE IN A BUNKER?? WILL I BE ABLE TO PLUG IN MY BLOW DRYER? I NEED TO START PREPPING.

Chloe: BABE I CAN BARELY SURVIVE A WEEK WITHOUT WIFI.

Maddie: IT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE THIS IS ABOUT TO GO FULL CHAOTIC MODE AND WE ARE ALL JUST STRAPPED IN FOR THE RIDE. 😭🔥

Trump’s Reaction (Oval Office, Diet Coke in Hand, Aide Reading the Chat to Him)

Aide: "Sir, this—uh—this thing is going viral. We thought you ought to know about it.

Trump: "Wait, wait, hold on. These sound like high school girls? Okay, I love high school girls—great, wonderful people. Very smart, they love me. But what is this garbage? Who wrote this? Sounds like something Atlantic would do. You know, they’re failing—totally failing. The ratings? DISASTER."

(Snaps fingers, motioning for the phone. Squints at the screen, scrolling aggressively.)

Trump: "‘Drama Llamas’—what is that? What does that mean? Llamas? Like the animals? They spit. Bad attitude. Just like the fake news. Are there llamas in the National Zoo? I control the zoo, you know.

(Snaps fingers, motions to aide holding stack of Executive Orders)

Trump: Give me that Executive Order that puts me in charge of the zoo.

(signs EO)

Trump: I’m issuing an order later today to have the zoo kill all the llamas. They’re not American animals, anyway. Why are they in my zoo?

(Keeps scrolling, scowling, then suddenly chuckles.)

Trump: "Okay, okay—this part about Putin sending a ‘🤔’ emoji? That’s actually funny. I mean, look, Vlad—he respects me, we’ve had the best phone calls, the strongest relationship. Under me? No wars. NO WARS. Under Biden? Ukraine, Hamas, Taiwan—just a total mess. But now I’m back, and you see what happens? Peace. They all settle down. Because they know, folks. They know I don’t play games."

(Pauses, jabs a finger at the phone screen.)

Trump: "Wait, wait, WAIT—hold on, they’re saying I said, ‘Why do we even care about Yemen’? FAKE. TOTALLY FAKE. Who even writes this stuff? Probably some deep state loser—maybe that clown Milley, you know he was always trying to sabotage me."

(Leans back, arms crossed, frowning as an aide shifts uncomfortably, then brings in fries)

Trump: "Where’s the ketchup? You know I like ketchup. Now look, I handled the Houthis, okay? Nobody was dealing with them before me. They were attacking ships, causing problems—but then I came in, and what happened? BOOM. Problem solved. But do I get credit? No. They’d rather make up this garbage. Very sad."

(He sips his Diet Coke, shaking his head as he scrolls further.)

Trump: "And look at this! They have me saying, ‘Haha don’t tell anyone I said that.’ Excuse me? EXCUSE ME? I don’t say ‘haha.’ I say things STRONGLY. POWERFULLY. No one says ‘haha’ in a deal. That’s weak. Maybe DeSanctimonious says ‘haha.’ Maybe Sleepy Joe, if he’s even awake. But me? No. No ‘haha.’ Never happened."

(Scrolls further)

Trump: And “teehee?” Who ever heard me say teehee? I bet Kamala says teehee. She’s not really American, you know. Can’t decide whether she’s black or Indian. Is that the same Indian as Pocahontas? Pocahontas probably says teehee on the floor of the Senate. What a DEI hire.

(Throws the phone onto the Resolute Desk)

Trump: "This is the problem with America right now. These people, these woke little Gen Z kids, they’re writing this trash instead of getting real jobs. Back in my day, we didn’t do this—we BUILT THINGS. We won wars! Now? They make fake group chats about me and Putin."

(Turns to his social media aide.)

Trump: "Okay, listen, I want a TRUTH SOCIAL POST. Right now. Say, ‘No emojis under Trump. Only strength! #MAGA’—you think I’m kidding? Get it trending. People will love it. The base will love it. Everyone’s saying it."

(Aide hurriedly nods, typing on their phone.)

Trump: "And find out who wrote this. Let’s see if they’ll debate me. I’d DESTROY them. They’d be CRYING. It’d be a bloodbath. Or even better – let’s DEPORT them! We can make up some excuse, right? No one should be able to stay in our country if they don’t love our country. And the only way they can prove they love our country is if they love ME.

(Leans back, takes another sip of Diet Coke, muttering something about how he had "the best group chats, the best conversations" and how "everyone wanted to be in them, but not everyone made the cut.")